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And if they asked me if I loved you...

Jul. 8th, 2008 | 03:18 pm
mood: lovedloved
music: ((I'd Lied)) - Taylor Swift

So whoever told my boss i was bulimic is an asshole
Obviously it was done maliciously.
If they were really concerned they would've come to first.

But session 2 is over. I'm going with my loves :)

PS- This past weekend in Albany was a heartbreak.
That's it.
Is it wrong to break up someone elses relationship for love?

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(no subject)

Jul. 7th, 2008 | 02:49 am
mood: lonelylonely
music: ((Disturbia))- Rhianna

UNSPOKENLULLABYS (2:47:48 AM): and the reason youve been single is cause your scared.
UNSPOKENLULLABYS (2:48:03 AM): youve been in love with kyle for a while too so you dont wanna be in love
UNSPOKENLULLABYS (2:48:07 AM): but now your ready
UNSPOKENLULLABYS (2:48:14 AM): so its gonna be tougher then you rememeber
UNSPOKENLULLABYS (2:48:20 AM): but goodnight!

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Routing Number

Jun. 27th, 2008 | 11:41 pm
mood: cheerfulcheerful


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Life is amazing...

Jun. 27th, 2008 | 01:07 am
location: Oneonta, aka Home =)
mood: contentcontent
music: ((Soulmate))- Natasha Bedingfield

So everything with Pat didn't really work out how I anticipated, but I'm surprisingly not upset at all. I think the truth of the matter was that i loved him so much as a friend that i blew everything out of proportion in my mind. I'm still convinced that he used to like me, but to be honest, I'd prefer him as just a friend.

More importantly, orientation is amazing! I'm having such a blast, despite all of the crazy walking, and I'm taking like 200 pictures a day. I love the people here,.. these are my people, seriously. I've waited so long to click with a group of people like this... they are exactly what I've always wanted- well rounded, focused, dedicated, smart, and yet absolutely hysterical. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be here that I'm doing everything I can to be sure that I don't lose it. I'm also sticking to my diet like a mad woman, and its obvious to me that I've lost weight. Everyone even told me I looked good when I was downstairs in my tank top and jeans before... and I don't think I've worn a tank top in.. well, ever.

Haha.. oh yea. I had a sleepover the other night with Joe, Steve and Jeff...first let me start by saying that the night started with a game of never have i ever with Cassie, Theresa, and Ryan also with us. The came quickly turned sexual, and I sort of wondered to myself if my answers were making anyone think of me the wrong way. At like 4am when we went to bed, Joe set up a mattress and wanted to share his blanket, which I thought was weird. Then in his sleep, not only was he spooning me (probably by accident), but he moaned "oh brittany" at least once. It actually freaked me out a little bit.. I didn't know what to make of it, not to mention that I was uncomfortable, so I got up and went to my room.

Then last night Pat and Amanda sexiled me from my own room (which is another story all together...), and I went outside for a bit. Joe looked down from his window and started talking to me... and I thought he was acting kinda funny. I was high as hell, but we kept a conversation going for a good ten minutes. Then he asked me to come upstairs!! I declined... it seemed clear that his intentions were sexual, and that's just awkward. Don't get me wrong, I find Joe to be extremely attractive. I just wouldn't go upstairs and hook up with someone on a whim... especially not sober. He said he wanted to "hang out." I was so weirded out by this.. that I was like dying to tell someone, but Pat and Amanda were already asleep when I got back to my room. Now I don't know how to act around him. Something's bound to happen when I get drunk around Joe. There's something so sexy about him, but I'm not huge on his personality. I just wanna hook up. Girls can play that game too...

These are the loves of my life.

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A Good Night.

Jun. 16th, 2008 | 03:24 am
location: Home
mood: contentcontent
music: ((Karma Police)) - Radiohead

To put a perfect ending to a beautiful father's day, Marc, Jacey, and I went to see Sex and the City. Despite all of Marc's sarcastic and cynical comments, he really is a deep and thoughtful person. On the ride home, we had a really good conversation. I asked him for advice on this whole Pat situation, and he had a lot of wisdom to share. Granted, the work I've been doing to try and think about things other than Pat have been quite successful, and I don't care about him nearly as much as I did, but I know that I still have that inner push that just... loves him, I guess. But it's amazing how your mind can almost forget someone if you really train it to, and yet how even through rigorous training that person's name is still always at the tip of your tongue.

So I don't have the patience to go over the whole conversation, nor do I remember the specifics, but my brother has a lot of wisdom to share and, like my dad, I appreciate their input and I really take to heart what they have to say. I wish Marc and I could talk like this more often. But he's so sarcastic all the time.. I guess I will just cherish these times that are few and far between where we have a real convo...

But the main thing I did pick out of our convo was...

"You may not always end up where you thought you were headed, but you'll always end up where you were meant to be."

It's easy to talk about "carpe diem" and living in the moment, but how many of us really truly do it? At least I'm gonna try...
That's all for tonight. =)

PS- "The Fear You Wont Fall"  by Joshua Radin is an amazing song..

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My Not-So-Artistic Artwork

Jun. 14th, 2008 | 08:41 pm
location: Home
mood: energeticenergetic
music: ((Just a Friend)) - Biz Markie

My not-so-artistic artwork.

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Great Weekend.. If Only I Could Stay There Forever

Jun. 11th, 2008 | 11:29 pm
location: Home
mood: contentcontent
music: ((Realize)) - Colbie Calliat

So I spent this past weekend visiting Pat in Guilderland/Albany. I had a really amazing time, even though Pat really didn't like Alyssa and I felt bad that I brought her. I guess I'm more accustomed to people who are high maintenance and materialistic since I grew up on Long Island, so I can see the good in Alyssa, but Pat was just all around annoyed. But aside from that, the weekend went well... it didn't really answer that yearning question that I have about whether the feeling that I have is mutual, yet i have the feeling that it is.

Before we even got on the LIE, Alyssa's car got rear ended and now my back is really bothering me, but I felt fine at the time.. it just scared me a little bit. And to make matters worse, a bee landed on my chest when we were on the thruway and I put a water bottle over it after I panicked. I think the bee stung me cause it hurt a lot, but I held the water bottle there for a good hour until we got to a rest stop. HILARIOUS.. really. Alyssa's friend that lived in Schenectady had a really annoying husband, and then we met Pat by some cemetery. He lives in a really reallyyy nice house and a cute little neighborhood too. His family is so cute... I really do like them. And his dog Chelsea peed when she first met me, but she grew to love me as the weekend progressed.

Friday night we drove around for a bit, stopped at Stewarts, got a little tour of Albany, and then we saw the Zohan movie. While we were driving around we were listening to "I wanna hold your hand" by the Beatles, and Pat grabbed my hand. We were talking about this girl Amanda that likes him, and he inadvertently brought up how every love prospect  he has ends up turning into "just friends"... but he was obviously talking about me. He did a lot of cute things this weekend. He talked about how much fun he had this semester and how the night that we watched the sunrise at Hunt was one of his favorite nights ever. He said that was the "turning point" in our friendship because thats when he feels like he really got to know me. He hugged me a bunch of times too. When Alyssa gave me her ring to wear, he told me to take it off and save my finger for his ring. I really do think that he likes me, but he never makes a move. It drives me nuts! When we got back we played Yahtzee and eventually smoked. Before that though, I had a terrible stomach ache. Pat was really helpful, but I felt like I was gonna die! After a while though, I felt good enough to smoke...and it helped. Pat got so high that he went right to bed. It was cute.

Saturday we went to Albany, where all the state buildings were, and we walked around and explored a little. It was hot as balls outside... I took a bunch of cute pictures on all the sweet sculptures they had, but eventually it got way to hot to function and we went to find food. We went to some place called Bamboodles or something... some mexican joint... but right before Pat was gonna order he saw some guy he didn't like and asked us to leave. He said the guy had sex with Sahar while she was passed out, so Pat went to his house and peed on his shit and took a crap in his shoes. I guess he knew a fight would start.

So we went to Subway instead, and the guy took Pat's points off of his card and used them toward a free sub. Pat got way too upset about this... he really over-exaggerated and he must have told this story like 30 times.. it got annoying. It was just a sandwich, really now. But he was mad about it for a good hour or so. And when Alyssa went into Walmart to get shorts, he told me he was about to crack on her. I cheered him up, and by the time she got back to the car he was in a better mood.

We went back to his house and watched a little TV. Pat was laying on the couch with me with his head on my lap, and just when I finally convinced myself to play with his hair and just be cute back, he got up and left (apparently to facebook stalk?). But he came back down and layed on me again, and eventually we both fell asleep. His dad woke us up when dinner was ready. I wanted to freeze frame that moment forever because it was so cute. I get such mixed signals from him. Just when I finally convince myself that he likes me he does something to change my mind.

Pat's parents made us chicken and mexican rice, and we talked while we ate. His mom is really sweet, but his Dad is a bit much. I felt the same way last time they took me out to dinner. But we talked about school, and about motorcycles. Pat's dad has a bike and apparently there was some biker gathering in Albany that weekend. Alyssa and I went and checked out the bike in the garage... it was pretty sweet. A two-seater. Arlene said she doesn't ride anymore though because she's scared of it, but she used to. After dinner we went to Pat's friend Erik's house. We bought some booze and sat around a fire. I took Alyssa's car to Stewart's to pick up a Duraflame log, and I almost crashed the car. But shh, it's a secret. Pat was flirting with me in the car, but in our usual joking sort of way, and I was wearing a cute shirt and I think he liked my boobies. But that's neither here nor there. While we were gone, Erik asked Alyssa if Pat and I were dating. She said no, but that we might as well be.

When we got back I got pretty drunk, but I gave Alyssa my alcohol after a certain point and I was proud that I gave myself a limit. Thank God.. I was nearly inebriated. Pat did his whole speech again about how people who are physically or mentally handicapped should be killed to help with some of the world's problems, and I argued with him about where you would draw the line with that, and how it would only be another reason to further oppress people and give more power to the dominant. But we were drunk, and I guess I can't agree with everything he says. However, I feel like that's just one of those opinions that I feel like you should keep to yourself.

We went back to Pat's house pretty late, and we played Pictionary and then Yahtzee, and Pat and I drank the rest of the box of wine. I was so ridiculously fucked up. But I was winning Yahtzee like I've never seen! I asked Pat to sleep downstairs, but for some reason he refused and slept in his room. That's one of those things that makes me think he doesn't like me, or maybe he's just respectful and he doesn't want to take advantage. I care about him too much to go all the way with him anyway. But I just need the opportunity to make the first move. Alyssa was supposed to go to lunch with her friend the following day, and Pat said he would show me his water bed (which I thought would be my opportunity to make my move), but it didn't work out how I wanted.

I woke myself up pretty early (11 or so) and got in the shower. Pat was making his veggie burritos upstairs, and Alyssa's friend's inlaws hadn't left yet, so she decided not to have brunch with them. I was honestly pretty mad.. I wanted some alone time with Pat. But I'm a true believer in things happening for a reason, so if it's meant to be it will happen some other time. Pat said to his mom that I was the "queen of mixed signals", which confused me a little bit and made me wonder if it was me that was confusing him. It seems that were either both unsure how the other one feels about the other or that I took what he said wrong, but pretty much I left his house just as confused about "us" as when I got there.

After we met up with Devin, Alyssa and I thanked Pat's parents and hit the road. We ran into some biker's at the bus stop, and one of them flirted with me. I thought he was cute even though he was old. But we left... it was good while it lasted lol. I didn't miss Pat or feel that painful love feeling until like 2 hours into our trip. Alyssa and I smoked a blunt out of a straw (great idea on my part.. works better than a clip), and after a while I was crying to the music we were listening to. I missed him already. The song "Broken" by Seether and Amy Lee really got me upset. And when I came home that night I was distant to my parents until I finally cried to my mom about how much I love him. I don't know how it happened. I just suddenly found myself so in love with him... my best friend. And I didn't feel this way all semester... not until he went home. It's hard, because I don't wanna feel this way for him. I just can't help it.

But anyway, I'm trying my hardest to think about other things. I'm being obsessive, and I really feel like a creep. I don't know why I fell so hard, but now that I've been trying to think about other things, I find that it really helps. When you like someone you tend to glorify them in your mind, so I've been trying to think about the negative things that could come out of all this, and I find myself caring less and less. And the truth of the matter is that I'll be seeing him in 6 days anyway when Orientation Starts. And I'll be so busy that I wont even be thinking about it. It might even make him jealous... haha I'm so ridiculous. GET OVER IT BRITTANY!!

It's nice to have my biggest problem be about loving some guy, and not something more serious. Usually my issues aren't so juvenile.. but I don't mind the change of pace. I got really burnt today in the pool, which kind of ruined my idea of tanning everyday until I leave in order to get some nice deep color. But I'll figure it out. And my diet has been going fantastically. I just need to make sure I'm not creating an eating disorder for myself. I'm definitely an extremist.. always all or nothing. And even though the past few days were fine, I know that the road I'm taking might end up hitting me faster than I expect. I just keep telling myself to be careful.

Yesterday I was so excited that the pool was finally open that I went in with my parents at like 6pm. I'm always such a water bug... and I don't think it will ever change. The pool is the one place I can feel like my true self... like I don't have trouble with my knees, like I'm light as a feather, and never in pain. I can do anything in the water. It's like a drug, but much better for me lol. It's a good alternative to drugs too. Who needs drugs when they're floating around in the water? And I talked with my dad last night in the pool, which was actually really nice. I wanted his advice about Pat and I liked what he had to say. I needed the male perspective. He said to just leave it alone. Don't have this "talk" that I want to have. If it's meant to be than it will just happen on it's own. The truth is... he's probably right.

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I Fell In Love With A Leprechaun

Jun. 4th, 2008 | 12:37 am
location: My Room
mood: satisfiedsatisfied
music: (( Tiny Dancer )) - Elton John

"I can't believe I fell in love with a leprechaun"
        - P.S. I Love You

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I Can't Spell It Out For You...

Jun. 4th, 2008 | 12:33 am
location: My Room
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: ((Realize)) - Colbie Calliat

Didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you.
No, it's never gonna be that simple.
No, I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realize what I just realized,
Than we'd be perfect for each other,
And we'll never find another.
Just realize what I just realized,
We'd never have to wonder,
If we missed out on each other oh.

It's not the same.
No, it's never the same,
If you don't feel it too.
If you meet me halfway,
If you would meet me halfway,
It can be the same for you.

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Good Morning Sunshine

Jun. 4th, 2008 | 12:20 am
location: My Room
mood: giddygiddy
music: ((The Weakness In Me)) - Joan Armatading

Desperate for changing...
Starving for truth...
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing After You...

I'm falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you...

I'm not the sort of person who falls
In and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection
Right from the start...

I wish I knew how you felt...

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